Tag Archives: Thoughts

Another May

Hello! I hope whoever is reading this is having a great day! Since I lost my mommy, May has always been an extremely difficult month for me. First, there’s her birthday, quickly followed by Mother’s Day. It’s funny because when she was alive, Mother’s Day was my favorite holiday. Yes, more than Christmas. Last year, I believe I spent both days either drinking or in bed asleep… perhaps both. This year, I’m happy to say that I’ve survived her birthday without doing anything destructive or regrettable. As for Mother’s Day… that’s to be determined.

This month, I’ve once again decided to embark on another weight-loss journey. Unlike in the past, I’ve actually been sticking with it. Instead of completely starving or restricting myself, I’ve been losing weight in a very healthy way. I’ve basically been eating the recommended calories for my weight, height & activity level, and focusing somewhat on macros. But not really. My nutritionist (who I haven’t seen since last year, but somehow I just got the motivation to listen) advised me to focus solely on counting calories instead of focusing on a specific diet (low carb, keto, etc) and I guess that’s been working for me. In the past, I’ve tried taking all carbs out my diet and didn’t get very far. I still aim for a macro range of 25% Carbs/ 50% Protein/ 25% Fat in MyFitnessPal (although that wasn’t their recommendation), but I care more about the quantity & quality of calories than anything else right now. I’ll worry about the rest of it once I hit a plateau.

I don’t know, I’ve just been in a more positive headspace lately. Hence this blog. I’ve even felt motivated to start creating something again. I haven’t actually been able to do it, but the thought occurs frequently. LOL. Either way, I’m going to try to update again soon. Please enjoy the rest of your week! :)

2018

Happy new year!!! I hope everyone had a great 2017, and hopefully you’ll have an even better 2018. My 2017 was pretty uneventful and mediocre. There were a few highs and some extreme lows. Towards the end of December my family found out that my Grandma has cancer. A few days later we found out that it had spread. Right now she’s in the hospital receiving chemotherapy. Because she’s 75 they’ve had to change how they typically administer it. Basically she’s getting one round of chemo over a 3-5 day period, then she’ll receive it every 21 days. I’m not sure how well things are going because she was supposed to be released Friday, but it’s now Tuesday, and there have been no talk of a new release date. As you can probably imagine, there was definitely a damper on the holidays being that she had to spend them in the hospital. I’m trying to remain positive and deal with things as they come. I really want to get back into my creative outlets, but I don’t know…the passion that I had seems to have died. It doesn’t help that I’m always on Instagram looking at the work of so many talented people. Comparison truly is the thief of joy, because I’m always discouraged after. I really want to start a sketch book, even if it’s something for my eyes only. I’ve actually still been selling my art supplies and stuff on Mercari, so if I ever do find joy in creating again I’ll probably need new supplies LOL. Oh well! I’m looking forward to a more productive new year. My birthday is on the 16th, so my goal is to be a better version of myself than I was at that time last year. Something about getting wiser with age. Blah blah. ;) Until my next update, be blessed!

Still (S)Lacking…

I’m sitting at my desk waiting for USPS to pick up some packages I’ve sold, so I figured I’d update. Life is still hard. I still have no interest or motivation to do anything. I will say that I think the antidepressants help level me a little, but I still feel exactly the same. It’s disappointing. Not the pills. I didn’t expect anything there. It’s disappointing to feel like I won’t ever be happy again. Time doesn’t heal everything. Time just changes the way things feel. Anywayyyyy. I’ve all but abandoned my BuJo. October wasn’t productive at all, and I think it’s because I didn’t have the bullet journal to keep me accountable. Hopefully I can get back on it for November. I was hoping to have some enthusiasm about creating art by now, but it hasn’t happened. In fact, I’ve started selling a lot of my new art supplies on Mercari because I don’t think I’ll ever feel motivated again. I’ve literally sold 4 of my art journals & I have 6 others listed. I feel guilty having so much & doing nothing with it. I don’t think more than 5 people even visit this site anymore, but maybe I’ll have a giveaway on here. Well, I’m gonna go. I’ve been trying to go through my house & get rid of 80% of my things. I’ve sold about 50 new hair & beauty products lately (mostly Shea Moisture), and I still have a box left. Let’s not even talk about how many art & crafts supplies, journals & monkeys I need to get rid of. It’s ridiculous!!

September BUJO

I wanted to share my September BuJo pages before I added everything to them since I forgot to share the rest of my August pages. I wanted to show some of the differences between last month & this month, but I didn’t really want to cover up a bunch of personal stuff. I also wanted to be more creative this month, but I’m in still in the “middle” of “Spring cleaning” so my art room is still in shambles. Plus I’m just not inspired. At any rate, here are the pics with some explanations above. Artsy stuff soon come… ;)

 

Cover/Calendar page & Important monthly things. This month I got rid of the Expenses box & labeled it Purchases because I track what goes on with my credit cards & bank accounts on my computer so trying to put it there too was just stressful. I’d rather just see what I’m buying.

 

My Habit Tracker & Bible Study Tracker are the same. I found them extremely helpful last month. BTW, the third box is supposed to be “Less than 1400 Calories.” I don’t know why I did the sign backwards LOL

Read More…

My BuJo 2017 Future Log

I’m one of those people who has a hard time starting new journals out of fear of screwing it up, but I decided to just go for it. I honestly envisioned that my BuJo would be super artsy & creative, but I just haven’t been inspired to do that thus far. Hopefully the inspiration will meet motivation soon & I’ll have something worthy of posting. With that said, this is the first page I’ve created in my BuJo ; My 2017 Future Log. I decided to skip the typical Year at a Glance Page until next year since this year is almost over.

 

Choosing a BuJo: UNNI Classic Dotted Notebook

If you saw my last post, you probably saw that I was going to use a big black sketch book as my new bullet journal. Boy was that a mistake! After about 10 failed attempts at drawing lines and creating boxes (with a ruler), I realized why everyone chooses to use a dotted or grid journal. Lol. With that said, I hit Amazon and decided to purchase a dotted journal. I considered buying a Leuchtturm1917 Hardcover Journal, which nearly everyone uses, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to pay $20 for a book I would probably abandon in a few days. I added about 5 different journals to my cart, but in the end I decided to purchase the “UNNI Classic Dotted Notebook.” I chose this journal because it had almost everything in common with the Leuchtturm1917, at nearly half the price ($10.95). From what I can tell, the only thing the Leuchtturm1917 has that this journal doesn’t, is a dedicated Index section and numbered pages. There is also only 1 bookmark ribbon instead of 2. Those things weren’t a deal breaker for me because I actually like being able to determine how many pages I dedicate to my Index section, and I can just number the pages as I work on them, so that’s no big deal.

Starting a Bullet Journal

I’ve decided to drink the water…. This weekend I bought a bunch of stuff to start on my bullet journal for August, etc. If IOP taught me one thing, it’s the importance of not only setting & keeping (obtainable) goals, but also tracking them. When I was in IOP I had to keep a goal sheet as well as daily functioning logs to show them & myself the progress I was making. Tracking those things daily really motivated me to keep on track, plus it showed me in black & white what I needed to work on. I’m terrible at keeping regular journals & art journals, but I’m hoping I can stick with this. Below are *some* of the supplies I plan to use. More details later…. possibly.

 

Losing It

For a while I was feeling so inspired to make things, but lately I’ve just been… I don’t even know how to explain it. There has been a lot going on in my life, and if you know anything about me, I stop caring about everything when life gets too hectic. Obviously, I still haven’t been able to move on from my mom’s death. That’s the biggest hurdle right now. In addition to that I’m trying to recover financially after my ex/best friend stole a large sum of money from me, which I’m still paying for. I’ve also been struggling a lot with depression and anxiety. I wasn’t really ready to confront those issues because I didn’t want to talk to a therapist. As my luck would have it, I went through a situation which forced me to go to the hospital, and during that time I had to speak to two women in the psychology department who reported me for being suicidal and unable to cope with life. According to them they feared for my safety. At any rate, I was persuaded to seek help. This month I started attending an  IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) and was put on antidepressants. The program is three times a week for about three hours, and during that time you speak to therapists, doctors, etc. You’re also taught different lessons to help you cope with most things you go through in life. I think the program has been great for me and I’ve honestly learned a lot, but the hardest  part has been group therapy. As someone who’s an introvert, extremely shy, and has social anxiety, it’s been very difficult being forced to speak and interact with different strangers. I’m not gonna lie, as beneficial as the program has been, I’m looking forward to the day they say I can be discharged.  Well, that’s an update on my life. Hopefully the next time I post it will be something art related. And hopefully it won’t be 9 months from now. :)

Always Gone

I feel so bad for always abandoning this site, but for some reason I can’t seem to get back into the swing of things. It may have something to do with the fact that I’m always gone. If I stay home longer than 1 day I could probably accomplish something. Actually, that’s not true. I’ve just lost my passion and love for everything in life. Depression is real. I look around my art room at all the stuff I have and I feel so guilty for letting things just sit there, and letting things just go to waste. I’ve spent so much money on supplies & I have paints becoming unusable, Gesso turning to liquid, markers drying out. Part of me wants to just give everything away. Hopefully I won’t always feel like this, but it’s been almost 4 years, so I’m not feeling too positive.

Paint Storage!!

I’m so geeked!!! I finally found a really great way to store my paints in my art room. This little baby right here actually holds 81 bottles and it doesn’t take up much space at all. Of course it isn’t enough to hold all my paints, but it’s definitely a huge help. I probably need to declutter a lot of things anyway, so I’m more than content. Once I complete my art room, hopefully I’ll feel more inspired and creative. I’ll post an update of my paint storage once it’s decorated. I have sooo many ideas. :D

PaintStorageCase